Tag Archives: satire

Ridiculous Halloween Costumes That Will “Oh…Wow” The Party

I thought of a few of absurdist Halloween costume ideas, so you don’t have to. These are not for the last minute draw-whiskers-on-your-face kind of person, rather these are for the individual that wants to win Halloween.

You have approximately 21 days to get this together. Allow me to help.

1.) You could go as Beyoncé’s Ultrasound. We all know that the announcement of Bey’s pregnacy was a momentous in this year’s history. Twins Rumi and Sir Carter will probably be the first twin presidents someday, so it’s important to start honoring them early. I know what you’re thinking, “Maddie, how am I going to pull off being an..ultrasound…?” Well, allow me to explain with this concept art. Obviously, you’re going to need two people for this one.


2) You could go as Baroque Obama. Dress in Baroque period clothing with a puffy collar and as #44.

3) To really spook your friends, go as Ann Coulter.

4) Get a motorized scooter, some cardboard, and remove your spine to become Sean Spicer with a moving podium à la SNL.

5) Lastly, are you one of those people that wants a costume your friends, “just won’t get” ? Or are you afraid that you’re running out of sexy costume ideas? Impress yourself with an original, *quirky* sexy version of the best Guillermo Del Toro film to date. All you need for these ones, is well, professional help.

There you have it. Which one of these amazing ideas are you going to steal? Please, don’t all thank me at once.

Lena Dunham Out, Sharks In

Women are powerful. Sharks are powerful. Women sharks are very powerful. I think it’s time we paid homage to the female shark community and see them for what they truly are – feminist heroines.

I know you’re reading this thinking, “She’s lost her mind.” Correct. I lost my mind a long time ago and she’s not coming back any time soon. You know what’s also correct? I can name 3 female sharks in the past week that have inspired me. Let’s do this.

#1. This female shark in Seoul that isn’t putting up with any bullshark bullshit.

She was just a happy 8-year-old-tiger shark, swimming along when this 5-year-old male shark started bumping into her in the tank. So she ate him. Then proceeded to parade around with his lifeless body in her mouth for the next 21 hours.

Why I respect her: She doesn’t put up with toxic males in her life. She takes control of the situation and shuts it down. This fool was probably some frat dude that was bumping all up on her and she’s giving him that side shark eye like back off. Of course he didn’t listen and keeps bothering her, probably going to brag to his alpha acai trenta epsilon bros that he was able to touch some fin – but NO, she won’t allow it. She eats him and shuts his shit down. Good for her.

#2 Leonie, the Australian zebra shark that doesn’t need a man.


After being separated from her mate 2 years ago in 2014, Leonie the zebra shark has lived a lonely life. Well it was lonely…up until recently when she gave birth to three pups asexually. She shocked scientists by possibly being the first shark ever to make the switch from sexual to asexual reproduction. When they checked the DNA of her babies, they had expected to find she had been saving sperm. N O P E. All three babies only had Leonie’s DNA, and it was clear that she was miraculously the sole parent. No custody battles here.

Why I respect her: Nothing is impossible for Leonie. She decided that she wasn’t done having kids even though there was no man in her life. She was too good for men. Nothing could get in the way of her motherhood. Now, she has three new babies to love. What a good mom.

#3 Deep Blue, the biggest and baddest mommy in the ocean.

Her name is Deep Blue and she is the biggest Great White shark ever captured on film. I first saw a video of her on Tumblr with all these positive comments like, “Who’s a big pretty girl?” Someone else commented this picture of her high-fiving a diver. They added, “Not only is Deep Blue big, but she’s super pregnant too.”

http://killermemequeen.tumblr.com/post/156004402190/k-lionheart-fieryartemisproductions

Why I respect her: Deep Blue is thicc, confident, and killing it. She is a big pretty girl. She’s the ocean’s top predator and still has time to high-five the peasants along her way. Deep Blue is slaying the ocean game, literally, rip to all those seals she must now eat for two. She is the ocean baddie we all need to see.

I don’t think there is a predator that’s a feminist icon yet. Are there animal/mammal feminist mascots already out there? I’m not sure. I do know that feminine animals in TV and film are depicted as cute and small. Female animals are often characterized as mice, does, bunny rabbits – basically small woodland creatures that bat fake eyelashes and help princesses get dressed in the morning. I think it’s time to reconsider. Females are more than capable of carnage. All of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, and Jurassic World are female. Sharks could be the new symbol of female power. There is more than enough evidence to support this claim. Take it from someone who admires sharks when they eat toxic males, reproduce asexually despite the odds, and flaunt their way through the ocean.

Watsky’s X Infinity – touched my heart and anxiety

This past weekend a few of my best friends from home went and saw Watsky perform in Boston. I watched their snapchats with envy and nostalgia. After all, his older song Sloppy Seconds once seemed to be the summer anthem that kept our friend group glued together. His words, “I don’t care where you’ve you been, how many miles, I still love you.” sting even more now that I’m in Los Angeles, California while my best friends are mostly in Boston, Massachusetts.

George Watsky, spoken-word poet, rapper, and Emerson College alumn, tends to have that stinging effect on young twenty somethings who haven’t quite found their way yet. His latest album, X Infinity, came out this past August and I was all over it. I listening to it for days on repeat. I couldn’t get enough of the introspective, honest, and raw insights. Each song seemed to mean something more to me than the last.

For no reason at all I wrote down my thoughts about each track when I listened to the album in full for the first time in my iPhone notes. Here is that journey. Warning: following language is explicit and nonsensical.

Before even hitting play:

!!!!!!!!! Yes bitch !!!!!!!!!! I’m so ready

Track – Pink Lemonade 

– I love the line “You want to run a country? That makes me shiver. Bitch, I don’t trust you to run with adult scissors.”
– This song is strong on it’s own. It’s very obviously a song about current political climate/how ridiculous America is right now. True.
– “I vote Yeezus, DeezNuts 20/20.”

Track – Tiny Glowing Screens Pt.3
– No words. Take everything ever and we are that, times infinity.

Bonus Track – Exquisite Corpse 

– Holy shit. So much commentary. This song has so many people featured on this song.
– “Bill the science guy told us the end is nye.” Ugh, a pun so good it makes me groan.
– A song about a potential Apocalypse and how to survive.
– “Atlanta is lost, Justin Bieber is dead.”
– Most powerful part is Chinaka Hodge’s verse: “Nothing’s all that different, been the same for black women, when apocalyptic breakfast follows revelation dinners. The lights been out, the water smelling of Flint. Exquisite corpses laying where the bodies had been. No bombs over Baghdad, just drones with grenades. When life gives us citrus we learn to drop Lemonade.”

Track – Knots 

– A song about failing to succeed.
–  Beautiful piano composure on this one.
– This is how I feel about making content when I’ve run out of ideas x 1000.
– Sounds like a very dramatic musical monologue in a weird adaption of The Catcher Of The Rye. Holden Caulfield vibes.

Track – Chemical Angels 

– A song I would put on if I hosted a house party.
– “Comfort I crave.” Same.
– “My brain has a mind of it’s own.” Same.
– Pretty sure it’s about drug/alcohol use, and not wanting to change.

Track – Going Down 

– A song about ‘going down,’ literally.
– Sexuality is celebrated.
– Comments how masculinity is fragile in a hilarious way.
– This is a jam. It’s my friend’s favorite song on the whole album.

Track – Conversations 

– I love this.
– Conversations with parents.
– Uncertainty about what comes next. Same.
– Parent: “How did I raise this emo f***** 9-year-old?”
– Children have ton of answers that adults cannot offer them.

Track – Don’t Be Nice 

– Yas, Queen. I’m calling Watsky “Queen” because I hate when people call artists “Daddy.” He kills it in this, though.

Track – Brave New World 

– The voice of guest Chaos Chaos is so soothing.
– Again, another one with a lot of commentary about the political state.
– “Every minute, deeper in it, another fantasy is brought to life.”

Track – Love Letters 

– “If you love someone, then you tell them.”

Track – Talking To Myself 

– This is my favorite song on the whole album, I can already tell.
– It’s about being your own best friend.
– I relate to this so much because I constantly battle anxiety and that can be alienating.
– Sounds worse than it feels, but this song puts into words how I often feel.
– “Have you felt a little off today? Had a lot to say? But wound up talking to yourself?”

Track – Midnight Heart 

– I want to send this song to every dumb guy that has ever tried to manipulate me, or mansplained to me, or just disrespected me in general.
– It’s the Don’t Hurt Yourself (Beyoncé’s Lemonade) of this album.
– “Sorry buddy, it’s time you knew. Nothing you ever said was funny; the punchline is you.”
– “I can’t bend over for someone I don’t respect.”

Track – Roses

– This song sounds so soothing and sweet.
– It’s about having the strength to move on.
– It’s goes off on needing attention and fueling ambition.
– It this reflects how he’s feeling, I’m glad Watsky is seemingly at peace with himself and content. He must be protected at all costs.

Track – Yes Britannia

– I love this.
– About saying goodbye and finding resolutions.
– “See you never, I guess.”
– Reminds me of those relationships that quickly and suddenly unravel.
– Flashbacks to watching someone losing interest in me, haaaaa.
– “The world is one mean, motherf*****” Well said.

Track – Stick To Your Guns

– A metaphor about school shootings and the need for gun control in the U.S.
– This song makes me uncomfortable, but I think it’s supposed to.
– Talks about glorification of shooters and the monetization of tragedy.

Track – Little Slice

– This is another song I would put on if I hosted a house party.
– Reminds me of my college friends (same college as Watsky, actually).
– “There’s so many people I love right here, but it hasn’t been a good night, until the sh** gets kind of weird.”
– I also just want a little slice of paradise. Where can I get this?

Track – Springtime In New York

– The only song I do not like.
– The screeching subway and New York City background sounds give me anxiety.
– I had to shut it off.

Overall album thoughts:

10/10 would recommend. This is Watsky’s best album. I crave his meta anxious experimental commentary.

From Sloppy Seconds’ summertime homely bliss to Talking To Myself’s frustration, Watsky knows how to strike just the right heart string for it to work.

X Infinity is so good that I worry it’s a departure album. His grand ‘going out with a bang.” I hope this isn’t the case, but until then I’ll be trying to grab a slice of paradise – I don’t need the whole pie, just got to have my little slice.