Scream Queens season 2 premiere: Bloody Bitches

Disclaimer: this post contains sass and SPOILERS. It can also be considered a hot take. For some cynical context,  here is the actual Wikipedia definition of a hot take:

A hot take is a journalism term derisively used to describe a “piece of deliberately provocative commentary that is based almost entirely on shallow moralizing” in response to a news story, “usually written on tight deadlines with little research or reporting, and even less thought.”

Now that the bar is set so high, (Thanks, Wikipedia!) let’s get to some “shallow moralizing.”

Season 2 of Scream Queens premiered last night on Fox and my initial thoughts are “STAMOS” and “My bitches are back.” If Ryan Murphy’s two shows, American Horror Story and Glee, had a drunken love-child, it would be Scream Queens.

ICYMI Season 1 of the horror-comedy-parody-whatever Ryan Murphy likes to call it-left viewers with an odd resolution. To recap, main bitches Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts), Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd), and Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin) fell from power as Kappa Kappa Tau royalty and were charged with the serial murders that shook up campus last season. The trio was sentenced to life in an asylum as their ultimate fall from grace. The real murderer, or Red Devil Hester (Lea Michele) admits in almost Shakesperean soliloquy that the Chanel’s conviction was her biggest move yet. Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) approaches Hester and admits to recognizing her as the bathtub baby and the killer, but Hester blackmails the Dean into not turning her in for the bloodbath on campus.

Season 2 starts up three years later in present day 2016. Dean Munsch has left her days at Wallace University behind her, traveling the word promoting her book and giving a TEDx Talk on “New New Feminism.”  For a humanitarian reason (or a creepy reason to be discovered later) Munsch’s latest project is purchasing a hospital and taking  on cases of the most incurable disaeses. With a new team of A-list actors yet D-list doctors, enter Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos-have mercy!) and Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner), Dean Munsch launches the C.U.R.E. Institute.

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My favorite Munsch line so far was when she was accused of not being a real doctor and she responded, “That’s not true. They gave me the actual honorary doctorate they stripped from Bill Cosby.”

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Feeling guilty about ghosts of the past, Munsch reaches out fan favorite sorority sister from last season Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer) and invites her to  work as a doctor at the hospital. She accepts and delivers my favorite Zayday line so far in this season: “I’m here for my M.D., not my M.R.S.”

Then, a flashback  reveals that The Chanel’s were set free from the asylum when former security guard turned FBI agent, sorry, special FBI agent, Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash) presents video evidence of Hester admitting to the murders.  The Chanel’s get a Making A Murderer-style Netflix documentary about their innocence,  so you’d think  America would get  back on their side, however, the documentary just reveals that while innocent, the three are still just awful people in general.

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The Chanel’s go from glamour to squalor; they get cut off from their wealthy families, and are forced to work. The three do go back to school to get their degrees in Communications, but “quickly realized that a degree in Communications is practically worthless.” OUCH. Me and my 50k a year education feel personally targeted. The Chanel’s get blue collar jobs to make some money, but they are miserable about it. Chanel works at a blood bank because she loves blood (shocking). Chanel #3 works as a janitor at a sperm bank, because she loves, um, bodily fluids and Chanel #5 just works as a dental assistant.

After Zayday complains to Dean Munsch that the hospital employees are mostly men, the perfect set up for the Chanel’s to return is created. Dean Munsch pays The Chanel’s a visit and offers them a chance to work in the new hospital as medical students.

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The Chanel’s arrive on the scene in pink scrubs and in mean girl formation. Immediately they meet hospital administrator Ingrid Marie Hoffel (Kirstie Alley) and realize she’s HBIC. This doesn’t jive well with Chanel and it’s obvious that this season those two will have it out for each other, I’m excited.

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The plot in the new hospital setting starts off by taking on the task as a hospital team to treat Catherine Hobart or “Hairy Mary” or “Sasquatch” played by SNL cast member Cecily Strong. Catherine is a patient that’s covered head to toe in body hair, and his been deemed incurable by all the other doctors in the area. Munsch and Zayday pledge to find a cure, while Chanel pledges to find a cure faster than Zayday for her own personal gain.

Chanel and Stamos–I mean, Dr. Holt–brainstorm and realize the answer is simple: image

Dr. Holt changes Catherine’s diet and it works-she loses her hair! Except she loses all of it…but that’s okay, because it sets up perfectly for a classic Scream Queens makeover scene. The girls give Catherine a wig, some drawn on brows, and she looks ready to Tinder.

Zayday congratulates Chanel and asks her if it feels good knowing she genuinely helped someone. In typical Chanel fashion she responds that if she’s learned anything, it’s that “though the power of the Internet, anyone can be an M.D.”

As the day at the hospital ends The Chanel’s get rewarded and sent home early, except for Chanel #5 (the Kevin Jonas of the three) who gets put on the night shift. During her shift, Chanel #5 takes the now hairless Catherine for a hydrotherapy bath, and feeling stressed, decides to take a bath too. The hydrotherapy baths lock into place, leaving both girls temporarily stranded with their just their heads exposed–and because this is Scream Queens, something bad is about to happen.

An hour goes by and the two hear a slicing noise of someone sharpening a knife outside their bath curtain (typical). Suddenly, a masked green figure appears with a blade, and the two girls plead that he kill the other girl instead. It’s unclear if the killer chooses one or the other, but he beheads Catherine, leaving Chanel #5 screaming. Catherine’s bald head lands on top of Chanel #5’s bath cover and then the episode ends with a dramatic out of view slice and screaming.

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It’s unclear if Chanel #5 is hurt or not, but my guess is that she’s fine, because I don’t think they would kill her off this early.

My immediate thoughts of this episode that it was a lot of setting up and that the next few episodes should make more sense. I wonder if Grace from season 1 will return. This episode also had a lot of great quotes.

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The preview for next week showed the return of Chanel’s ex Chad Radwell (Glen Powell), and I’m really excited for that. It also teased with a great Chanel #3 quote, “Yoga is just stretching for douchebags.”

The next episode will air next Tuesday at 9pm on Fox, but until then fans can catch up with the show’s hashtag on Twitter #ReadyToScream. I’m excited to see where this season goes and how bloody it will be. My prediction is that the Halloween episode will be the bloodiest. I also predict that Dr. Holt is a killer. Maybe not the killer, but he definitely will get some blood on his hands this season. Same goes for Dean Munsch. Until next week, I will be screaming internally about my day-to day life and wishing I was as on point as Chanel Oberlin. A girl can scream dream, right? 💋🔪💉 🎀

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