Group Texts Are About To Get 100% More Annoying

iOS 10 is finally here. Well, almost. Tomorrow on Sept. 13th, the completed software update is set to grace every iOS supporting phone or device applicable. iOS 10 buzz thus far has mainly revolved around the two biggest iOS makeovers yet-an entire new iMessage platform and an aesthetically new notifications system. The chosen ones, aka Apple’s beta users, have been testing out this software for months, but this morning Apple made the beta public. So if you’re like me and just can’t wait until tomorrow, try it out

After asking a few longtime beta users on Twitter, and putzing through the beta myself, I’ve come to a few conclusions. 

The biggest change is the amount of effects in iMessage and I can already tell that my friends and I will misuse these features like crazy. Does anyone else remove themselves from group texts that get out of IIDA hand? Well it’s about to get crazy. 

iMessage’s new  bubble effect features include:

-Slam: In case you want to have your message body-slam the recipient’s screen; creating dust and angst while doing so. 

-Loud: To virtually yell at your recipient; text appears huge before shrinking back to regular size. I imagine Trump will use this.  

-Gentle: For when you feel really really small and want to pretend you’re whisperering instead of texting.

-Invisible Ink: *This one has the most potential to go out of hand. Use this to send a message hidden underneath a pixelated overlay. The recipient has to swipe their finger over the text to uncover your deepest darkest secrets.

All of these effects work on photos too, so you can now…uh-send secret photos to someone that they have to swipe to reveal…Anyone else afraid of this potential? 

Then there’s screen effects:

-Balloons: So you can send floating balloons in your message to soften hard news, or you know, congratulate someone (but that’s boring.)

-Confetti: You can now make it rain confetti on someone’s screen, because why not? 

-Lasers: Your message is surrounded by lasers. It’s the best one. I don’t see any justification for messages to NOT be sent with lasers now. This is the new standard. 

-Fireworks: Set off fireworks in your texts to be cheesy: “Our conversations are literal fireworks, babe.” 

-Shooting Star: A shooting star goes across the screen. Use this to send fake wishes: “Wishing on this star that you weren’t constantly testing my nerves.”

Another new feature in iMessage, which more and more seems to resemble Facebook Messenger, is that you can now react to someone’s text by holding it down and clicking on different reactions “Haha, ?, !!, thumbs up, thumbs down, and a heart.”

Heart. That reminds me. There’s also a feature in iMessage called Digital Touch you can activated by holding down on your screen. The Digital Touch Options are:

-Sketch: Draw anything with one finger.

-Tap: Tap with one finger. It makes a circle. I don’t know why you’d send this to someone? 

-Fireball: Press with one finger and it creates a glowing fireball. 

-Kiss: Tap the screen with two fingers and it sends a pink smooch.

-Heartbeat: Tap and hold with two fingers.

-Heartbreak: Tap and hold with two fingers, then drag down, to let someone know they’ve disappointed you.  

The thought of participating in a grouptext with these features available is already headache-inducing. We are not mature enough for this technology. Society is not ready. 

Other beta users on Twitter had different ideas about which iOS 10 feature stand out the most. @SamuelSokol thought, “For me it’s the widgets pane, the improved 3D Touch widgets, and the HomeKit integration. The notifications are both better for interactions but aesthetically worse than iOS 9.” Another beta user @acidflip thought similarly about the redesign of notifications.

Whether of not we are all responsibly ready, new notifications,snazzy texts, and improved widgets hit screens everywhere tomorrow once iOS is officially released to the public.

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